Courage & Starting Over

 

A lot has happened in the past 9 months.

I slacked off.  I let the holidays get the better of me (though I did cook a pretty healthy Thanksgiving dinner).  I hit the gym maybe 5 times. I gained some weight. My hip developed a pinched nerve. My ankles were swelling more and more.

In March, I started having issues swallowing.  I’d been having issues for a while, honestly, but they progressed in March to the point where I finally decided to DO something about it.  I went to see my gastro – I’d had digestive issues years ago – and he reminded me I was also late for my follow-up colonoscopy.

And then, while trying to sort out my swallowing issues, I was diagnosed with colon cancer.

Shortly after, I was told my swallowing issues were called achalasia.

So… surgery on the colon (pathology report came back sparkly!) and then a procedure on my throat for the achalasia.  I took 6 weeks off from work for surgery and recovery.

9 weeks post op, I’m feeling great.  Not only that, I feel like myself again. I was close to it a week or so ago, but something was missing.  I found my missing piece again – exercise.

I’m taking it easy and building back up, but it just feels so good to be moving again.  I haven’t been back to the gym, but I’ve been squeezing in some movement in the mornings before work.  The kids are out of school, so I have a lot more time in the AM than I used to.  I blew the dust off an old pilates video one morning, indulged in some Wii Just Dance with my boys on other mornings.  I pulled on my sneakers and went for a walk this past Sunday.  I’ve been walking at lunch with a co-worker, as well.

Nothing hard. Nothing overwhelming. Baby steps. I’ll get back there.

I stopped fearing the scale.  I started keeping a food journal (via www.myfitnesspal.com ) again.

I’ve stopped kidding myself. Stopped lying to myself. “I’ll start tomorrow,” I’d say.  “I haven’t gained that much weight,” I’d think.

I was almost afraid to even tell myself that I was really doing this.  I went for that walk on Sunday and felt defeated afterwards – I was so tired, I took a two hour nap that afternoon!! My body just doesn’t respond to activity the way it did pre-op just yet.  And I don’t expect it to, which is why I’m trying to take things slowly.  20 minutes here, 30 minutes there.  It all adds up.

 

I saw the phrase above on a sign earlier this week and the words hit home.

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”

My mom recently told me that she’s always been afraid to lose weight because of the fear that she’d just gain it back. I think I’ve had similar fears lurking in the back of my mind.  Why bother? I’ve never succeeded before. And if I do succeed, I’ll just gain it all back again!   

STOP!  (Easier said than done, I know – negative self-talk is very difficult to rein in once it starts.)

My response to my mom that day was that someone who’s spent even a week, a month, a year healthier than they were before is likely a lot better off than the person who’s never tried at all.

Did you know that a 30 minute workout is only 2% of your day?  Shoot, even if you deduct 8 hours of sleep (who gets that??), it’s only 3% of your day!  I read that somewhere recently (and then double-checked the math) and when you think of it that way…it’s really difficult to say that you “don’t have time”.  (I’ve been saying it for months and I’ve been lying to myself!!!!)

 

So here’s to new beginnings.  Here’s to starting over again (and again and again).

Here’s to having the courage to try again tomorrow if today wasn’t your best day.

I can’t promise I’ll be able to post often, but I will try to post more.  I’ve missed you guys and the encouragement we give each other.

A visit from Mom (and how a kick in the ass can be disguised as good intentions)

As you may or may not remember from earlier posts, my mom had gastric bypass at the end of May.  Including pre-surgery diet, she’s lost about 30 pounds so far.

Before surgery, she was roughly 230 – give or take a few pounds.  She and I are shaped incredibly different.  I am broad-shouldered, narrow-hipped – “apple” shaped.  She is narrow shouldered, big through the hips/ass – the classic “pear”.  Because of this, we have often been the same size, but still not quite able to share clothes.

Well, now she’s roughly 30lbs lighter than I am and she’s melting out of her clothes.  She told me she wanted me to have first pick of what she was getting rid of before she offered to her friends.  I kinda laughed it off and said okay. I figured she’d come over with four or five items I had zero desire to wear and that would be it.

Today, she took our kids to the children’s museum.  She was just leaving as I got home from work.  I was glad I caught her – as much as she drives me crazy at times, I love my mom and I hadn’t seen her in a while.  She mentioned she’d brought those clothes by and said if I wanted to, she’d hang out while I tried them on and then she could take whatever I didn’t want with her.

She didn’t bring a few items.  She brought a Rubbermaid container FULL of clothes.  She also had several hanging items.

I wound up taking a few tops that would be good for work, two pairs of “swooshy” pants (the elastic-waisted polyester kind I don’t usually wear, but they looked okay and I need some pants) and a dress that makes me look quite matronly!  (It’s a gorgeous blue dress she wore to my brother’s wedding a couple of years ago.  It makes me look like I’m in my 40s, though.)

The thing is, there were other items I refused – not because they didn’t fit, etc…but because they were size 20W and winter clothes.

I do not want to be a size 20W come winter.  No no no. NO.

I will NOT see another birthday come and go at this weight. I won’t do it.

Seeing her 30lbs lighter and seeing this huge container of clothes put a fire under my butt.  Yes, I had to take some time for my back (and I don’t want to overdo anything and wind up like that again – yeouch!)…and yes, I’ve had some other issues, but it’s time to get back on that horse.

Today should have been my 2 month check in on my stats page.  I noticed it coming up this past weekend.  I’ve had some serious bloating issues lately (just got my Dyazide refilled yesterday, thank god), so I’ve been avoiding the scale.

Tomorrow, though, I will measure and check in. One day late – not so bad.  I’m willing to accept that the scale might have even gone up a little bit (ugh), but I can’t just avoid the truth.  How can I better myself if I continue to turn a blind eye when I slip up?

We need to accept that there are peaks to go with our valleys.  Yes, we all want our final destination to be the very bottom of that hill… but the road down there is bumpy at times.

I’m frustrated because I hit a bump fairly early on. But this isn’t a sprint – it’s a hike. A heck of a long hike, I might add. (I love this post by fellow blogger Paul Flint at Weight Loss Hacked. Check it out – it’s a great post that uses hiking as a metaphor for the weight loss journey.)

I’m going to share a pipe dream with you all now.

I’ve been fantasizing lately about getting fit enough that I could become a trainer/fitness instructor.  I’m 32.  If I think that’s a realistic goal, I’d better get on it asap, right?

I love the idea of helping others get where they want to be – educating them on fitness and nutrition.  I think that’s becoming my long term goal.  Maybe when I’m in better shape and the kids are a bit older, I could go back to school and be a trainer on the side. Who knows.

First step: Get back to working out 5-7 times/week.  Just 20-30 minutes most days, but I have slacked and I need to get back.  I did 20 minutes of Wii Just Dance tonight and I got a stitch in my side!! Sad!  More veggies. More water (I’ve slipped here, too).  More movement.

I will get there.

 

Slurpee

Okay, I may be a little behind the times because I’ve been avoiding 7-11 since mid-May (I was addicted to their nasty breakfast sandwiches and Monsters!), but I happened to pop into one today (because where else can you get $5 cash back on a purchase?) and I discovered something awesome.

That right thurr is a SUGAR FREE MANGO SLURPEE, people. I mean, I know it’s not calorie free (20 cals per 8oz), but it’s insanely better than the alternative.  And sometimes – like, oh, I don’t know, when it’s106 degrees outside – you need a cold, frosty treat.  Something you can grab on the go, easy-peasy-like.  (I think this heat is killing off my brain cells…)

And popping into 7-11 for the occasional sugar free slurpee is insanely better than what I was doing – going in 2-4 times/week for a breakfast sandwich and a monster!

Funny thing is, when I ran into 7-11 today, I had every intention of grabbing some caffeinated treat – a jolt for my system!  I went to bed late last night (for no good reason) and we have date night tonight, so I was trying to convince myself I would need it.  But I know full well I’m going to have a diet DrPepper at the movie later, so why add more caffeine now?  I don’t actually need it.  I might be a little stressed out at work today, dragging a bit, etc.  But the morning walk I went on jazzed me up more than a Monster ever has (and I didn’t get the shakes from it after, either).

I was a tad bummed yesterday because we had our work weight loss challenge…and I came in SECOND.  Yeah, I know.  How stupid am I for beating myself up about second place?? According to the girl’s scale that runs this thing, I lost 3.14% of my body weight in a month.  I missed 1st place by .14%.  Grr.  So close!

That’s what I needed the $5 for, by the way – entering another month’s worth of the challenge.  I hate that we’re weighing in on 7/26 next month because I’ll be on vacation. I was kinda hoping that would be my out (rather than saying, “I’m kinda broke and would rather spend that $5 on something else…”).  But instead, J (the girl leading it) said, “Oh, just weigh in that Monday since you’ll be here – that’s fine!”  Dangit. LOL

But, in all honesty, I could use the competitive motivation.  She lost 3.28%, so now my goal is 3.5% so I can (hopefully) nail it next month. That’s just 1lb more than I lost the month prior.  I can do that. Right?  Right. 

 

Of course, I’m feeling poo-tastic right now because I feel the cramps and crankiness coming on… it’s almost that time of the month.  This is always the worst for me.  But I made it through last month! I can do it again. AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN… yep yep.  A treat here and there, but I’m not going to dive face first into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s.  Gotta stay strong!

Also? These milk ads are hilarious. Why have I not seen these before today??

 

Omg…now I know why… because people are crazy and can’t take a joke!! hahahaha http://vegansaurus.com/post/7577302507/guest-post-milk-board-hates-women Wow. Just wow.

I hate women when they’re acting like bitches, too, people.  Granted, I understand the drama behind the milk industry and vegans/PETA, etc… I do.  But I still think the ads are funny.  Poor guys!

One month down! (Weight/Measurement Check In!)

Not too bad for the first month!  Here we go…

• Weight: 236.6lb (7.4lb loss)
• Waist: 49.5″ (0.5″ loss)
• Hips: 50″ (0.5″ loss)
• Chest: 44.0″ (1.5″ loss!!)
• Right thigh: 23.5″ (0.25″ loss)

Roughly 1.7lbs/week average. I’ll take it! Pretty excited about that 1.5″ lost from my chest, too – I’m built like a block.  True, I want to lose inches from my waist most of all, but that requires those icky ab exercises.  I’m getting there!  I’m slowly starting to incorporate them into my routine.

I’ve noticed that I’m getting more and more steps in daily while trying less.  I’m also a lot more productive these days.  Coincidence? I think not!

As it gets easier to meet my step goals (walking at work, Just Dance/Wii Fit Plus at night, etc), I’ve been adding in more strength and balance exercises.  One of these days I’ll find the Jillian Michaels DVD that came with my 8lb weights and I’ll have to give that a go. (I bought the set over a year ago just because they were the most reasonably priced 8lb weights I could find – I never even checked out the DVD!)

Yes, please! I’d love to look half that good!

Coming clean and moving on

I went to see my mom yesterday.  She was doing a lot better than I’d anticipated, so that was a relief.  My sister’s been watching her like a hawk since she got out of surgery, but I really do feel she’ll be fine on her own – my sister leaves Tuesday and my mom lives about an hour away, so quick trips over there aren’t really possible.

Her incisions are so small!  She has four or five little tick marks on her belly.  I told her that her incisions looked even better than Rick’s did after he had the band installed.

After a little chit chat, I said, “Have you walked today?”  And with very little coaxing, she agreed to go for a walk with me.

On that walk, I told her everything I had blogged about in my last entry. We had a good talk about it all.  In that moment, I felt closer to my mom than I have in years. She said she had worried about how I was feeling and she’s proud of me for taking the steps that I’m taking.  I told her I think it’s a shame that people spent the first many years of our lives telling us we were fat when we weren’t…and then telling us as adults that we aren’t fat when we are!  Just…kinda comical.

 

I had a fairly good weekend. We went to a pool party on Saturday, and to prepare myself for the ensuing junk food, I drank a smoothie before we went (1/2 peach, 1c peach yogurt, ice cubes, vanilla protein powder, splash of milk, splash of water). I still had a hot dog and some chips at the party, but I didn’t go crazy.  I tried to stay in the pool most of the time – that helped! 

I’ve been walking at home in addition to walking at work.  Last Wednesday, I popped into the gym to take a Zumba class, but it was full. I thought about staying there to work out, but it seemed so dark and dreary compared the gorgeous day outside, so I went for a 2 mile walk in our neighborhood instead.

I’ve been dancing to the Wii Just Dance about 5 nights/week in addition to walking.  I’m trying to hit my 10k steps/day, but at the very least I want to hit 9k/day.  Yesterday I managed 11.5k!  Best day so far.

I’m soooo close to getting under 240. This morning I weighed in at 240.8lbs.  So a little over 3 lbs in 2 weeks. That’s not too shabby.  I also decided to peek at a couple of measurements now (was going to wait until the month was up) and I’ve lost about 1/2″ in my waist and 3/4″ in my upper thigh so far.  Didn’t check the rest.  Will do that on 6/18.

Kinda sore all over, but I feel great overall.  My shoulder hurts from tossing kids around in the pool on Saturday!  I also joined a little weight loss challenge here in the office that goes from month to month (weigh in the last day of each month).

 

Feeling good!  How about you?

Mom’s Gastric Bypass (and various ramblings)

Today was Mom’s surgery.  I took off from work and headed to the hospital after dropping my youngest off at school (he considers this a big treat, which is pretty cool – usually Rick takes him because of our schedules).  I was joined at the hospital by my stepdad, sister and aunt (Mom’s sister) – all there to support her.  Everything went great – she’s experienced zero complications and even got up for a slow walk before I left around 5pm.

I got disoriented as I left – I just didn’t want to be there any more and couldn’t even explain why. I just wanted to go home.  It hadn’t been an especially taxing day. If anything, it had been really nice to catch up with my aunt as I hadn’t seen her in quite a while.  Still, I got off on the wrong floor, went the wrong way, etc, etc.  Finally, I made it out of the building.

As I was leaving the parking lot, I had to pay for parking.  They only accept cash or checks and I had no cash on me (poor planning on my part), so I wrote a check for $4 and handed it to the clerk.  I gave her a second to look it over, then she raised the bar, so I rolled forward.

“Wait! Ma’am! You put the wrong date on the check – this says 6/1, today’s the 31st! You have to fix this.”

I couldn’t back up because of the line behind me that was already rolling forward, so she leaned out the window and handed me the check and pen…so I could just adjust what I’d already written and make it say 5/31.  I was flustered and aggravated.  Couldn’t she have done that herself?? I mean really. And it was after 5pm by then – they weren’t going to deposit today anyhow. Good grief.

As I drove away, I got myself so angry that I started crying.  What the hell is wrong with me? I thought.  Why am I crying over something so stupid??

Yes, I’m PMSing.  I actually take Sarafem (a fancy name for Prozac you take 2 weeks/month) for my PMDD.  But still… there was something else going on.

Then it hit me.  Today had been a lot more emotionally taxing than I’d admitted to myself at that point.  I hate to sound so selfish…but, well… this is MY blog and it should be about ME, right?

I was supposed to be getting weight loss surgery around the same time as Mom – within about a month of her, actually.  I wassupposed to be there not only as support, but to see how this all goes for her, to brace myself for my own surgery.  I’d read up on both – lap band and bypass – to prepare myself for both of our journeys.  Instead, I shared my knowledge with my aunt and stepdad knowing that I won’t be taking this same path.  Granted, I keep telling myself that this surgery for her is more about reversing diabetes than it is weight loss, but I know she will lose the weight, too.

And then something else hit me: Once she loses the weight, I will be the only fat person left in our family.

Here’s the biggest difference between my mom and me when it comes to our food issues – she shovels no matter who’s watching; I usually do it in private. I’ve always felt like my obesity was a bit overshadowed by people watching how she ate.  They have probably been watching me, too, but I’ve tried not to be too “out there” about it all.

There was also something my aunt said today that really hit me hard. I know she didn’t mean anything by it, and I didn’t say a word in response (we had a distraction, thankfully).  She was talking about how my mom and I have always struggled with our weight, all our lives.  Then she said, “I can remember, even at the age of 3, she was fat!”

I kept quiet, because I love her, and – again – I know she didn’t mean anything negative.  But what I wanted to do was scream, “THAT IS EXACTLY THE MENTALITY THAT MADE HER FAT TO BEGIN WITH!!!”

My mom was nota fat kid.  She was a fucking MODEL.  I’m not using that word as a description of how cute/pretty she was – she actually was a model as a child!  When she got into her teens and started to fill out, her parents started dealing with her “weight problem.”  At the age of 14, she was probably a size 12/14 – but she was also 5’9″!  She’s been curvy all her life!  She’s got the pear shape that I did not inherit whatsoever.

When my parents were helping me deal with my perceived weight issues at a young age (my issues were more about high cholesterol than weight, but that’s another matter), she shared some of the pain she went through.  Her hope was to not put me through the same thing her parents put her through.  I will say that my parents always had the focus on health, even if weight was considered part of that package.  She told me a story about how, at one point, she was so stressed out by everyone wanting her to be thin thin thin and watching everything she ate…that she snuck a tuna sandwich into the bathroom to eat it.

Just as a reference point, I wore a size 11 when I was in about 7th grade…and I barely fit into my mom’s wedding dress (she had me try it on as a joke). Part of it was that I was pretty dang barrel chested.  Part of it was that she wasn’t fat back then.  She already saw herself that way, though. (I wish I had pics to show you of her before I was born, but I don’t have any handy.)

This was Mom right after I was born. Even after 9 months of pregnancy, I wouldn’t say she looked “fat” by any stretch.

 

I saw myself as fat by about age 10.  That was roughly the time we found out I had high cholesterol and triglycerides. Both of those words mean “fat,” so if you have high levels of both, that must make you fat, right?

I was 5’6″ with a C cup by 8th grade. I was a size 12/13.  I’ve since seen pictures. I remember how self-conscious I felt, how huge I thought I was.  I wasn’t.  I was tiny.  I was healthy.  I played volleyball and rode my bike all over town.  But I let everyone tell me I was fat until I just agreed with them.

8th grade – see how fat I was??

I’ve rambled. I tried writing this blog in my head on the way home from the hospital. I had an hour-long drive and I spent a good deal of it crying.  And trying to remind myself that I’m on the right track and I don’t need to bury my sorrows in some random fast food along the drive back.  I knew that wouldn’t help for more than 30 seconds…then I would feel worse.

I made it home with just water and some sugar-free gum to take my mind off things.  I dried my eyes and had a healthy dinner with my family.  My husband understands where I am and where I’ve been. He’s a wonderful man and I’m beyond lucky to have him in my life.

I wish I could go back in time to my 13 year old self and tell her to ignore everyone.  I wish I could do that at age 17, even.

Instead…I just have 32 year old me here and now…and she knows there’s no time like the present.

Two of my favorite “motivational” posters

Pedometer Issues and Other Things (quite possibly a TMI post)

I’ve been wearing my pedometer for the Global Corporate Challenge since last Wednesday. (We started our official challenge on Thursday, but I wanted to get a feel for where I was before trying to push myself.)

Today, I’m wearing a dress.  Guess where my pedometer is!

I hooked it to the waistband of my panties. 🙂 I didn’t really see another option. I’m not going to wear a belt!  (A woman with a 50″ waist tends to hate belts – especially when her hips are 50.5″. A belt just accentuates the problem at hand.)

This has worked fairly well, I guess, but I occasionally feel my undies trying to head south – especially when I go on my walks.  Ah well. I’ll deal with it for now.  I don’t have a lot of “pants” options for work – what I find in the stores either doesn’t fit my apple-shaped body or looks like I stole them from my grandma’s closet.  I’ll probably stick to skirts for a while.  It’s too hot outside for pants anyhow! (hahaha…when proofreading my post, I realized I put “It’s too hot outside forpantiesanyhow!)

Not sure my pedometer will ever go this high!

Quick Fact: 10,000 steps = approx 500 calories burned.

 

My weekend was spent with family in a small town of central Texas.  There was a lot of indulging – a lot. I told myself it would just be for one day, but it seeped into the 2nd day before I even noticed!  But I was back on the wagon yesterday.  I even managed to break past my 10k steps/day goal for the first time!  (I thought all the walking I did over the weekend would have gotten me there, but no.)

I pretty much lived on grilled meat (this is Texas, after all), veggies and…cream puffs.  My mom was trying to clean out her junk food in preparation for her bypass surgery (she’s already on liquids) and brought up this bag of cream puffs she bought at Sam’s a few months ago.  Add copius amounts of tequila and Sara found herself sneaking off to the fridge way more often than she should have.  I’m telling myself I had some help, but I’m not so sure I hadmuchhelp. 

Anyhow.

To make up for some of my gorging, I did a lot of Just Dance booty-shaking yesterday.  I challenged the kids in the AM and I danced my hiney off solo after they went to bed.

And today?  I’m sooore!!! (And I’m a whiner!)  But I hurt in all the best places. My obliques and the sides of my back (er…are those still the obliques? Maybe?) are killin’ me.  Yay!  Maybe I’ll get that back fat under control sooner than I thought.

Another advantage? I slept like the dead.  I might have rolled over once last night.  Otherwise, I don’t remember budging one inch.

Downside? My skin is taking a hit.  With all the sweating I’ve done lately, my face is starting to break out. I need to start showering at night, too, I suppose – that will help.

 

Is it nap time yet?

So far, so good

It’s amazing how much better I feel after just a few days of making better choices.

Rick and I hit the gym on Sunday morning – 35 minutes on the treadmill at a decent pace (3.5mph – just walking, no running for me yet) and about 20 minutes of weights.  I was hurting within an hour of getting home – man, I’m out of practice!  Rick and I both passed out on the sofa Sunday afternoon for almost an hour. 

Sunday night, I turned on the Wii and decided on a lil’ Just Dance. I went with the “sweat it out” option and picked some high-intensity songs.  Just three songs and I was sweating my hiney off!

Sunday, I also started counting calories.

Monday, I took a nice walk on my lunch break.  Our office is part of a beautiful development with walking paths, bridges, ponds…we even have a little bit of wildlife to check out – herons, turtles, ducks.  I’d glanced out the window before, but never actually walked along the paths.  What a gorgeous area.  I haven’t gotten around to bringing my sneakers to work yet, but I can manage a 10-15 minute walk in my work shoes easily enough. 

I’m using the Lose It app for Android to track calories and exercise.  You can enter your goal weight and then pick a plan (I chose 2lbs loss/wk) and it tells you a) when you should meet your goal and b) how many calories you have to stay within in order to do so.

According to the app, if I stay under 1,672 calories/day, I should be 155lbs by March 25, 2013.  Considering I figured a year with the band would be reasonable, it’s pretty encouraging to see that it might happen sooner than I think as long as I make good choices (along with the band!).  Of course I’m trying to avoid saturated fats and processed foods, in general.

Sunday, I ate 1,932 calories, but I burned approx 375 calories, so that still put my net intake under the mark.

Monday – 1,757 calories in and about 90 burned. Not too bad.

Today – I’ve already plugged in what I plan to have for dinner along with what I’ve eaten all day (I try to put things in there in advance so I can see how much wiggle room is left).  Including dinner, I’m at about 1,430 calories.  I went for a walk this AM and plan to do so again in a few minutes – just little 10 min walks on my breaks. I’m also planning to “sweat it out” again with the Wii Just Dance for at least 30 minutes tonight, so hopefully I’ll have burned a couple hundred calories.  My goal is to eat less than the 1,672 regardless of exercise, but I’m not fooling myself into thinking I’ll get there overnight!

(I dread to plug in what a “normal” day was for me, calorie-wise, just a couple of weeks ago. I’d guess at least 2,500 calories.  At least.)

I feel great.  A little sore, yeah, but otherwise… happier.  And sore muscles have always made me feel just a little less fat. I still look the same, but at least I can feel that there are still muscles in there somewhere! They’re crying for me to use them!

I’m off for a quick walk. 🙂  You should go do the same!

Addiction

We may think there is willpower involved, but more likely change is due to want power. Wanting the new addiction more than the old one. Wanting the new me in preference to the person I am now.
–George Sheehan

Food addiction is a difficult thing to overcome, as is any addiction.  I think one of the must frustrating things about food addiction is that food is a lot more difficult to avoid than, say, cocaine or liquor.  Don’t want to run into drugs and alcohol?  You might have to change who you hang out with and where you go.  Don’t want to run into food temptations?  Then don’t leave your house.

I like the quote above because I think it hits the nail on the head.  It’s not just about willpower.  It’s almost as if you’re replacing one addiction with another – and the new one has to win in order for you to succeed.  Want a cookie?  Take a walk.  Craving that 9pm bowl of cereal or ice cream?? Flick on some Wii Just Dance instead. 

My drive to work is one of my biggest struggles – both for my calorie count and my pocketbook.  I love breakfast.  I want to eat 1st, 2nd and 3rd breakfast.  I crave fast food breakfast sandwiches, tacos, biscuits, kolaches…all of it.  I used to have an 1.5hr commute to work, so eating breakfast in the car just made sense.  Now my commute is about 25 minutes.  I no longer have time or reason to eat breakfast in the car…but I still crave that routine.  And lord knows I drive past at least a dozen drive through/walk in places that sell breakfast.  I’ve practically got them memorized.  Even the new spots that I haven’t hit yet!  Bakers Dozen (donut shop), Burger King, McDonald’s, 7-11, Sonic, Braums, QuikTrip, Jack in the Box, another donut shop, another 7-11!  These – and more – are all just on my 11 mile commute to work!  I can talk myself into spending $5-8/morning sometimes. I tell myself I need it.  I’m sooooo hungry!  I’ll work harder/smarter/better if I’d just stop for a bite of something to eat on my way there.  Of course, I need the caffeine, too!  Sure there are no calories or sugar in an “Absolutely Zero” Monster – that doesn’t make it health food.  And I’m spending about $2 on these each time.

The best part?  I do this after I’ve already eaten breakfast at home. I’m wasting money and adding a good 500+ calories to my day.  I’ll even find ways to come up with money to do this when we’re broke. [Sorry, honey!] I’ll use my almost-maxed-out credit card or dig quarters from the change jar…maybe make sure there’s just a few extra bucks in the kid’s daycare account – that’ll cover a sausage biscuit and a Monster. 

I’m not just hurting myself, I’m hurting my family financially.  I spend – easily – $75-100/mo on breakfast.  SECOND BREAKFAST.  That’s insane.

I’m done.  After taking my “before” pictures the other night, I’ve renewed my commitment to myself.  I’m not waiting for surgery to make changes. I need to start now.  I’m going to replace one addiction with another, if need be. 

It helps that we’re starting our walking challenge here at work on Wednesday!  Bring. It. On.  I’m ready.